by Gabriel Donohoe
People are doubting whether Joey Essex could indeed be the complete and utter moron he appears to be on TV. But with Enda Kenny, people seem to accept his asininity without question.
This writer heard a discussion in a pub recently about intellectually-challenged characters who would make a better taoiseach than Enda Kenny. Beating Enda hands down were such luminaries as: Dumb & Dumber, Manuel (Fawlty Towers), Fr. Dougal or Fr. Jack (Father Ted), Trigger (Fools & Horses), Adolf Hitler, and others…
But the winner by 10 lengths was Joey Essex. Apparently he has many more leadership qualities than the clown prince of politics, Enda Kenny.
Below are some of Joey Essex’s brainless nuggets (JE) followed alternately by responses Enda Kenny might utter (EK).
Q: Joey, Who is the Prime Minister of Essex?
JE: (Stunned silence as the brain whirls into action, but no answer.)
Q: Enda, Who is the worst Taoiseach Ireland ever had… you, Ahern, or Cowen?
EK: (Stunned silence as the brain whirls into action, but no answer.)
Q: Joey, How many sides has a square?
Q: Enda, How many balls do your ministers have in total?
EK: Just two, and they belong to Joan Burton.
Q: Joey, Who would you eat to stay alive?
JE: Probably Jesus.
Q: Enda, apart from debt-related suicides, how many others would you kill to stay in power?
EK: Anyone and everyone, including Jesus.
Q: Joey, What do you think of Australia?
JE: It’s the biggest country in the world, inn’it?
Q: Enda, What do you think of the Labour Party?
EK: It has the biggest cuntry in Ireland, hassen’it?
Q: Joey, Who created the world?
JE: Richard and Judy.
Q: Enda, Who created the Fine Gael Party?
EK: Beavis and Butt-head.
Q: Joey, Do you like asparagus?
JE: Asparagus…Is that broccoli?
Q: Enda, Do you like Rabbitte?
EK: Rabbitte…? Is that something full of lard and hops?
Q: Joey, What country is Danish Bacon from?
Q: Enda, What country do you and your Cabinet work hardest to please?
Q: Joey, What does ostrich willie taste like?
JE: It tastes like school rubber with wee, tomato sauce, and vinegar on it.
Q: Enda, What does Angela Merkel’s ass taste like?
EK: It tastes like bratwurst, pretzels, and David Cameron’s aftershave.
Q: Joey, What country is Wales next to?
JE: London… No, no… Russia.
Q: Enda, What country runs Ireland?
EK: City of London… No, no… The Vatican…
Q: Who was Romeo’s girlfriend in “Romeo and Juliet”?
Q: Enda, What did Emmet Stagg say to his boyfriend in “The Phoenix Park?”
EK: Jaysus, that’s a hard one!
Q: Joey, Are you looking forward to glamping in the outback?
JE: Do you think we’ll see any kangaroos?
Q: Enda, Are you looking forward to the Dail after your recess?
EK: Do you think we’ll see any intelligent life?
Q: Joey, Will you get on with the other celebs in the jungle?
JE: I hope so. I’m not very good confrontating people.
Q: Enda, Will you be able to get on with all individuals in the Coalition?
EK: I hope so. I love confrontating people and boring the shite out of them.
Q: Joey, Your nose is running.
JE: I never learned how to blow my nose, not the professional way.
Q: Enda, Your nose is running.
EK: Of course it is. I always get things the wrong way round – my nose runs and my feet smell.
Q: Joey, I see you can tie your own shoe laces.
JE: I learnt to do my laces because obviously I needed to tie my laces for the rest of my life.
Q: Enda, They say you’re not very good at multi-tasking.
EK: True. I can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.
Q: Joey, Why do you wear a watch on your ankle?
JE: Fashion, inn’it?
Q: Enda, Why do you wear a watch on your ankle?
EK: For practice – After the next election it’ll be a criminal tag.
Q: Joey, Why are you so poor at general knowledge?
JE: It’s just that things that you don’t really need to know, I don’t really know.
Q: Enda, Why are you so poor at running the country?
EK: It’s just that things that you do really need to know, I don’t really know.
Q: Joey, Why do you come across as very stupid?
JE: I’m not academically clever. I don’t know about geography, politics or anything. I wouldn’t class myself as really stupid – I’m just not clever.
Q: Enda, Why do you come across as very incompetent?
EK: Actually, I am academically clever. Sure amn’t I a teacher? But I know feck all about geography, politics and stuff. I wouldn’t class myself as really incompetent – I’m just an asshole.